hankrules2011

Book reviews, health, hockey, publishing, music

February 1990 Diary Excerpts

Posted by Scott Holstad on April 24, 2012

If you’ve been reading my blog at all, you’ll recall that I recently found 16 old diaries of mine, dating from 1984-1992. I’ve printed several excerpts here, and while I’ll keep most everything to myself, I might post a few more before putting these away in storage once again.

______________________________________

February 16, 1990

I’m feeling much better today. I was suffering from a tremendous hangover yesterday, worst one in at least three years. I had gone over to Carey’s with Nicole, a cute girl from Memphis I’ve been casually seeing for a little more than a month. She brought her roommate, Terri. We had a 5 liter box of wine, some gin, and some bourbon. Well, I went hard at the bourbon before turning to the wine and I just had to drink at least 3 liters of the stuff, all on an empty stomach. After awhile, we went over to Planet Earth to dance and party, and I got violently ill, so we left. I somehow made it home and passed out only to be sick all day Thursday. I puked in the morning and couldn’t get out of bed until 8 PM at least.

Today was kind of odd. I talked with Courtney and she gave me hell for Wednesday night. I then turned in a cover letter to the English graduate department. I’ve been cleared for acceptance by the UT graduate school. I hope I get accepted and get an assistantship. I was running some poems off later and heard someone say, “Scott.” A lot of people have been talking to me lately who I don’t know, so I was hoping to bullshit my way through this….

February 22, 1990

I’m feeling very unhappy these days. I’m sad and lonely and unhappy. I used to be a carefree, happy person! Now I hate everyone and everything. I had God, people, society, the huge joke of it all, myself (while I also love myself at the same time — warped dichotomy), life, eating, holidays, even sports. Everything formerly pleasurable now leaves me feeling empty. And girls! Why can’t I meet an intellectually stimulating, moderately attractive, gregarious, open minded, liberal, ambitious, non-materialistic driven, intelligent, sexually open girl who is reasonably compatible and trustworthy? Because they don’t freakin’ exist! Not here, anyway…. I almost wish I could go back to my innocent days when I didn’t know and didn’t care. I felt more content, happier. I enjoyed meaningless sex. Now I’m so sick of that! I want to be somebody, do something relevant — not just own things. I want to be a poet. Sadly, no one can deal with me because I’m so eccentric or, on my part, the vast majority of girls just don’t interest me anymore.

Two weeks ago, I read some of my poetry at the Laurel Theater. I’ll write more about it later. Two months from now, I’m reading at Davis-Kidd, a big step up. They have many published authors read there.

I think I’m starting to suffer from severe depression. You know, I was happy for years, most of my life. I haven’t been happy for a full year now. It’s been getting more severe since last June. Normally I’m a strong person, but right now I’m feeling very weak….

My parents are strongly suggesting I see a therapist again for the third time in my life. It’s odd that at the time of the greatest maturity and responsibility I’ve had so far, I seem to be sinking deeper emotionally. Indeed, while I’ve always been a bit of a cynical pessimist, I’m getting much worse. I’m don’t think I’m feeling any more bitterness or hatred than usual, but I’m getting more abrasive, critical, lonely, depressed, sad, disillusioned, etc. I feel like I’m sinking into a deep black hole I won’t be able to climb out of. And I don’t see how I can go back. Oh well.

______________________________________

I guess I had a flair for the dramatic. I don’t know if I should have just shared these words. After all, they’re the ramblings of a young college student who didn’t know shit about anything. Still, it’s been interesting to see where I was, where I’ve come from, what has transpired for me throughout my life. I wish I had kept my diaries more diligently….

One Response to “February 1990 Diary Excerpts”

  1. I’ve often wondered, after hearing your entries, what my perspective on life was when I was in my early 20’s. Even though I can remember some details about events and people, I can’t remember the thoughts and feelings associated with them. It’s good you can look back and remember that.

    Like

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

 
Dancing With Cats

Politics, religion, culture, opinion

Cafe Book Bean

Talk Books. Drink Coffee.

Simple Living Over 50

Defining Life's Changes

The Book Review Directory

Over 150 Book Reviewer Bloggers Listed

Chaos Inc.

18+M/s-D/s DD/lg the life of a polyamorous sexually active "little" brat who doesn't give a flying squirrel fart what others think

A.D. Martin

writing - novels - film - television - video games - other stuff

In My Words

Life in my own words, my thoughts, my daily happenings, whatever....

Ravings of a Madman

(and other assorted things)

Crumpled Paper Cranes

Fumbling by Leisure, Singing to Cake

My Blog News And Blues Reviews

WHATEVER YOU'RE LOOKING FOR

I Read Encyclopedias for Fun

The official blog of Jay Dee Archer. Exploring new worlds, real and fictional.

Piece of Mind

Everything in my blog is sprinkled with wizard dust.

Kiss My Glass Boston

Wine, cocktails, whatever.

My Preconceived Life

trying to add another person to the planet

bluchickenninja.com

a creative lifestyle blog

Lynette Noni

Embrace The Wonder

Tropical Affair

Observations of the illusion through the eyes of wonder...

Words Read and Written

Ramblings of an aspiring author & book blogger

Daily (w)rite

Damyanti Biswas is an author, blogger, animal-lover, spiritualist. Her work is represented by Ed Wilson from the Johnson & Alcock agency. When not pottering about with her plants or her aquariums, you can find her nose deep in a book, or baking up a storm.

%d bloggers like this: