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Posts Tagged ‘college’

February 1990 Diary Excerpts

Posted by Scott Holstad on April 24, 2012

If you’ve been reading my blog at all, you’ll recall that I recently found 16 old diaries of mine, dating from 1984-1992. I’ve printed several excerpts here, and while I’ll keep most everything to myself, I might post a few more before putting these away in storage once again.

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February 16, 1990

I’m feeling much better today. I was suffering from a tremendous hangover yesterday, worst one in at least three years. I had gone over to Carey’s with Nicole, a cute girl from Memphis I’ve been casually seeing for a little more than a month. She brought her roommate, Terri. We had a 5 liter box of wine, some gin, and some bourbon. Well, I went hard at the bourbon before turning to the wine and I just had to drink at least 3 liters of the stuff, all on an empty stomach. After awhile, we went over to Planet Earth to dance and party, and I got violently ill, so we left. I somehow made it home and passed out only to be sick all day Thursday. I puked in the morning and couldn’t get out of bed until 8 PM at least.

Today was kind of odd. I talked with Courtney and she gave me hell for Wednesday night. I then turned in a cover letter to the English graduate department. I’ve been cleared for acceptance by the UT graduate school. I hope I get accepted and get an assistantship. I was running some poems off later and heard someone say, “Scott.” A lot of people have been talking to me lately who I don’t know, so I was hoping to bullshit my way through this….

February 22, 1990

I’m feeling very unhappy these days. I’m sad and lonely and unhappy. I used to be a carefree, happy person! Now I hate everyone and everything. I had God, people, society, the huge joke of it all, myself (while I also love myself at the same time — warped dichotomy), life, eating, holidays, even sports. Everything formerly pleasurable now leaves me feeling empty. And girls! Why can’t I meet an intellectually stimulating, moderately attractive, gregarious, open minded, liberal, ambitious, non-materialistic driven, intelligent, sexually open girl who is reasonably compatible and trustworthy? Because they don’t freakin’ exist! Not here, anyway…. I almost wish I could go back to my innocent days when I didn’t know and didn’t care. I felt more content, happier. I enjoyed meaningless sex. Now I’m so sick of that! I want to be somebody, do something relevant — not just own things. I want to be a poet. Sadly, no one can deal with me because I’m so eccentric or, on my part, the vast majority of girls just don’t interest me anymore.

Two weeks ago, I read some of my poetry at the Laurel Theater. I’ll write more about it later. Two months from now, I’m reading at Davis-Kidd, a big step up. They have many published authors read there.

I think I’m starting to suffer from severe depression. You know, I was happy for years, most of my life. I haven’t been happy for a full year now. It’s been getting more severe since last June. Normally I’m a strong person, but right now I’m feeling very weak….

My parents are strongly suggesting I see a therapist again for the third time in my life. It’s odd that at the time of the greatest maturity and responsibility I’ve had so far, I seem to be sinking deeper emotionally. Indeed, while I’ve always been a bit of a cynical pessimist, I’m getting much worse. I’m don’t think I’m feeling any more bitterness or hatred than usual, but I’m getting more abrasive, critical, lonely, depressed, sad, disillusioned, etc. I feel like I’m sinking into a deep black hole I won’t be able to climb out of. And I don’t see how I can go back. Oh well.

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I guess I had a flair for the dramatic. I don’t know if I should have just shared these words. After all, they’re the ramblings of a young college student who didn’t know shit about anything. Still, it’s been interesting to see where I was, where I’ve come from, what has transpired for me throughout my life. I wish I had kept my diaries more diligently….

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An Absurd College Love Life

Posted by Scott Holstad on April 19, 2012

As I’ve blogged about recently, a couple of weeks ago, I came across 16 old diaries of mine in an old box. These diaries date from 1984 to 1992 — mostly my college years. I’m remembering some things I’d forgotten, I’m trying to remember some things I wrote about but have no clue what was going on, and I’m pretty much shaming myself at my … socially outgoing life back then. I liked to have a good time. Thank God I settled down in my 30s….

This entry I’m about to post is a short excerpt from a longer entry in 1987, when I was 21 and in my third year of college. I’m posting it, at the risk of embarrassing myself, because I think it’s funny in its complete absurdity and silliness. God, the drama! OK, here it is:

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December 17, 1987

OK, so I’ve got to get my love life straight. I’m going out mostly with Kim. I’ve also gone out some and expect to some more with Beverly, Jayme, and Margaret. I’m supposed to go out with Maureen and Maria. I’d like to go out with Becca and Jenny. I’m also trying to get Shelby and Ellen off my back. I’m still infatuated with Sherrie. I’m close friends with Karen. I need to maintain a close friendship with Dee. I also have to keep Kaye and Amy in mind. Whew! It’s sadly funny….

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So, I kind of played the field in college. A lot. What can I say? I liked girls. As I said, thank God I eventually settled down. For what it’s worth, I’m living with the complete and utter love of my life, my girlfriend, Gretchen. We like to say that we’re twin souls cubed. Heh. This relationship is actually mature and loving and caring and unlike anything I’ve ever experienced in my life, so I’m truly lucky and happy. I’m just glad none of those college girls worked out for me, dammit! LOL! So, there you have it. My secret’s out. Pretty pathetic, isn’t it? Heh.

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