hankrules2011

Book reviews, health, hockey, publishing, music

Depression

Posted by Scott Holstad on March 28, 2014

I think I’ve been in a deep depression since Toby’s death last month. And I think his death magnifies my father’s death last year. I should be feeling good, living in a nice, new house in a nice, quiet, safe neighborhood, but all I can think about is how Toby isn’t here and doesn’t get to see it and live in it and how Dad can’t experience it — he was a great handyman — and how he can’t help out around the house. It’s really disappointing and I’ve been struggling. My wife has commented on it. I don’t know how to snap out of it. Of course it’s not been helped by the poor, grey weather. That’s really been getting to me too. Years ago I was diagnosed with SAD — Seasonal Affective Disorder — but I’ve never been treated for it. Basically it’s getting deeply depressed due to extended poor weather, most common during the winter. I finally caved in and bought one of those lights for it. You’re supposed to be exposed to it for about an hour each morning, but I haven’t found or made that kind of time for it, so I don’t know that it’s doing any good. I’m spending about 20 minutes a day in front of it. I need to make a better effort. Meanwhile, I’ve been listless and I don’t care about a lot of the things I normally care about. Gretchen misses Toby and my dad too, but she only got to experience being with Toby for two and a half years. He spent his entire six years with me. I watched him grow from a demon imp kitten who I wanted to kill to a loveable, dependable companion cat whose company I really enjoyed. I/we really miss him. He had become Gretchen’s cat, so to speak, over the past few years. When she came home from work, he would jump up and go to greet her, just like a dog. I’m also having to deal with my mother, who I think has unresolved issues regarding Dad’s death and who is lonely and doesn’t know how to deal with many things, such as financial things. I’m having to help her a lot, but she calls me a lot and comes over and sometimes it’s a little overwhelming. She just bought a condo up in Knoxville and will be moving back up there in a little over a month, so that’s going to change the dynamics, but it will also be weird and I’m going to worry about her living alone at her age up there without me able to come over to help her with short notice. Additionally, my job situation hasn’t changed and our cash is starting to run low due to all we’ve paid out to contractors for new home repair issues — electricians, plumbers, appliance repairmen, handymen, etc. I’ve also had car issues and have had to pay some big bills for that, and I need a new oil pan gasket which, the dealer says, costs $1,700 alone just for the stupid part, never mind the labor costs. I’ve got a lot on my mind. I’ve got a lot going on. Things are starting to ease up now, which is good, but all I can feel is blah. I’ve had moments of happiness — time spent with my wife, time spent reading or going to the gun range for some target practice — but generally I just feel bad. And I don’t know how to fix it.

4 Responses to “Depression”

  1. axiomatika said

    i’m sorry you’re going through this. i hope you feel better soon. i’m too familiar with this feeling

    Like

  2. dweezer19 said

    Hello,
    I just had a few moments to read your post. I am so sorry for the things you expressed you are feeling. I can very much relate and empathize. Any single one of the recent events in your life, even a major move, is often compared to a death. It is not surprising with some much piled up that you would feel overwhelmed. I have been in similar situations. Yes, I am in magnificent Costa Rica right now, but I live with a man who is perpetually discontented by even the smallest thing out of place or off from perfection. This makes paradise quite subjective. All that I have been able to do at times to pull myself out of depressed places is to start giving thanks for everything I can think of, and for me that includes the “bad” stuff, for I know there is growth in all things that pass in our lives. It works for me mostly. And if there is a trusted friend you can just be totally open and honest with maybe that might help. Unfortunately only time can ease the sense of loss you feel for your lived ones. And time is cruelly slow when we need it to speed up. I am certainly sending loving thoughts your way and hope that soon the sun will shine brightly on your world, both within and without. It may sound cliche but perhaps you should adopt a new kitten, maybe even one from the animal shelter. It would be like doing something really nice for Toby in his memory. Take care.

    Like

    • Thanks for sharing. I try to give thanks, but sometimes I get bogged down in depressing details. I do have support, much of it from my wife, thank goodness. I don’t think we’re going to get a new kitten, however, because our remaining cat — Henry — likes being an only cat. He’s very territorial and wouldn’t treat a new cat well. He barely tolerated Toby at times. Thanks for your input.

      Like

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