hankrules2011

Book reviews, health, hockey, publishing, music

A Review of The Reality Dysfunction 1

Posted by Scott Holstad on April 13, 2016

The Reality Dysfunction 1: Emergence (Night's Dawn 1)The Reality Dysfunction 1: Emergence by Peter F. Hamilton
My rating: 1 of 5 stars

I’ve read, or attempted to, my share of stupid books over the years, but I don’t think I’ve ever picked up a book this damn stupid in my entire life! I’m astounded, because The Reality Dysfunction has a great 4.24 rating on Goodreads, one of the highest ratings I’ve ever seen. Yet, it’s unbelievably stupid. I don’t see how anyone could possibly read past the first three chapters and not laugh their asses off at the sheer idiocy of the author. Cause that’s how far I got before giving up. And I’m not going to read the sequel, which has a higher rating than this! Unreal.

The first chapter isn’t that bad with a chase and destroy scene between three presumably white “good” starships and five black “bad” starships. Nothing to write home about, in fact a little boring, but an okay start. Actually, too much sci fi jingo, like the author’s trying to impress his audience with his sci fi tech knowledge. It’s weak.

The second chapter is about a planet. An alien planet somewhere … out there. It formed out of a nova or dwarf or something and then with the right light and elements, became life bearing and after billions of years, algae evolved. And then you get a whole damn chapter on evolution on this planet, which frankly mirrors Earth’s pretty closely. Why the hell is this there? Why couldn’t this have been a two paragraph aside somewhere? Why does this boring shit merit its own chapter? Who cares about how this evolution occurs? Allegedly, according to reviewers, for this author, it occurs pretty much the same way on every planet, so what’s the big deal?

The third chapter is the bozo chapter. A ship is bringing its 108-year-old female captain and her husband back to Saturn to die. Apparently, she’s outlived it and he, cause I guess it’s a HE, tells her It’s Time. Cause they talk telepathically. Cause they have some sort of emotional love link. Cause she tells him that of her three husbands and two lovers, she loves her ship more than anyone ever. She tries to talk it out of dying, but he insists he must. They talk about her 10 children/zygotes she has finally produced after 108 years, one of them with her current husband’s sperm. As she goes by each zygote, the ship names each one. It’s agonizing to read each paragraph as it oh so romantically goes on and on about how great each one will be. Then the moment comes when they must separate. It’s horrible. She can’t take it. Her husband, who apparently can also talk to her telepathically, leads her away from the ship to a terminal, since it has magically docked without our being told, and this is a terminal for captains to mourn and see their ships die and console each other and basically hold funeral services. I’m not fucking kidding.

It gets worse. Free of the humans, the ship goes off and calls to his fellows and similar ships answer his call in droves and come to it while he goes flying off. One links to him, I guess physically, even though they’re going at about nine gees and they don’t collide and blow each other up, which is a miracle, and through their link, they have a ship orgasm. Yep. Not kidding. Then it’s time to birth the babies. I didn’t see this coming. One by one, ten ships come up to this flying ship and take a baby … ship and look after it, telling it where it is and herding it into the safety of Saturn’s rings, where they’ll be growing for the next 18 years when they’ll finally be adult ships and will have captains of their own. So this female human captain who had 10 babies, one of whom was from her husband’s own sperm, gave birth to 10 spaceships. Excuse me, but what the motherfuck is that??? And then, to top it off, a “bad” black ship invades and connects with the soon-to-die ship and they produce a baby ship which the original ship predicts will be the greatest of them all. Then this dying ship goes flying every which way and pretty much blows itself up, oh so romantically while everyone sheds a tear, yet is happy for it. To end the chapter, the black clad stranger/pilot walks into the mourning terminal and no one wants anything to do with him, so the captain goes to him and starts talking to him and starts joking about how she’s got some granddaughters she needs to marry off. To him. Oh.My.God. The most stupid chapter ever written in the history of the universe. Reading it was both priceless and sheer torture. I’ve never read anything like it and hope to never do so again.

Apparently, other characters appear and other worlds come into play and apparently there are a ton of Satanists, although why, possibly billions of years in the future, there would be Satanists, is beyond me. This author has written quite a few sci fi novels, but what I don’t know what his personal background is. Most of the sci fi writers I read are actual scientists or come from a military background, or both. I get the idea this guy is neither. He probably owns a comic book store. Maybe he’s a middle school dropout. Whatever the case, this book is rubbish, the author is a ninny, and I’m glad I bought this used cause I could never forgive myself if I had paid full price for this piece of shit. Grudgingly one star, because I can’t give zero stars. Most definitely not recommended at all.

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